Morning run

I awoke an hour early today for some reason, now rather than do my usual on these rare occasions which is either just lay there drifting in and out of dream world or get up and make coffee then catch up on the billion and one recordings I have I actually got up, got dressed, and went for a run!!!! Yes, me, running…. Did the earth shake for you this morning, if so that might of been me lol.

Now to put this into perspective, I haven’t been running in 30 years, after the several major accidents I’ve had I’m always just grateful that I can now walk unaided, so weight and fitness has never bothered me. I’m unsure why I went running this morning, I had no fitness plans in mind, maybe this is not really me, or maybe I’m still dreaming (though felt nightmarish when gasping for breath). Maybe I’ve been taken over by an alien or a demon (after all, this would normally be my worst nightmare).

What ever the reason, I hope to do it again soon, who knows where this might lead. These are dangerous times my friend, but at the moment (best Michael Bubl√© voice coming up) I’m feeling goooooood



When you became master/mistress of your own home was there anything that suddenly shocked you that had to be done? For me it was dusting the skirting boards. I knew how to dust, I’d seen my mum do it and on the odd occasion I would also dust. I knew about vacuuming as had seen and done my fair share. I knew how to wash up, dry and put away. I had attempted ironing on more then one occasion which I’m guessing my mum really wished I hadn’t as did actually burn a few clothes (sorry mum). I could make tea, badly, and coffee and I subjected my parents to many a dinner of egg stodge and beans, was meant to be omelette and beans but it always ended as stodge, but I digress…the thing I never saw my mum or dad do was wash or even wipe down skirting boards, this came as quite a shock when I suddenly noticed how fluffy they were one day, dare I admit but roughly a year after moving in to my own place, even now its not a natural thing to do when it’s housework day, but it certainly doesn’t take a year anymore before noticing. You may be laughing at this but I bet there was something you didn’t realise had to be done but now seems so obvious.

The rich get richer

I find myself having to give up my beloved car, not because of the eyes, that’s coming in the near future and I had hoped that my little Leo would last me till then but alas, work has me driving around the country and a 1.1 just doesn’t cut it anymore.

I start off as happily as possible (love my leo) looking at 2nd hand cars, and I know this flies in the face of my last post but I soon realise how expensive everything has become (maybe I should of done that overtime). The cars that are just a year younger then mine are nearly ¬£1000 and mines quite old to be honest. Some have less then a months MOT (in Britain a car has to take this test every year to stay legal on the road or every 6 months if its a taxi), so you can imagine the bills that will come with getting it past an mot if current owner doesn’t think it will pass. So as I ponder my choice of current car against extortionate year younger but higher engine car my eyes shift to my DVD and CD collections (stay with me here), I wonder how many thousands I’ve spent over the years on this which in turn makes the actors/musicians etc millions, so much money that they have no idea what to spend it on.

How much have we all invested over the years especially when media format keeps changing. I have several copies of the same album on tape, record, cd and now digital. Same with films VHS to dvd to digital (I never went down the blueray road luckily), and that’s not including the cinema and concerts attended.

So my question is, how many shares do I hold in these people and where can I cash them in for a reasonable price (and I’m not talking about selling cd’s at a ridiculous price of 50p)? We have all invested thousands for them to make millions and now I need to cash out.

My pondering is becoming depressing so I’ll go back and look at old cars that I can’t afford in the hope that something will turn up so I can carry on working for the short time I have left.

Work home balance

After a conversation with a work colleague about how much they used to earn a few months ago (lots of hours needed) to how much they earn now left me wondering….. Am I the only person who wants a home life?

I go to work to pay the bills, yes we all do that I know, but then once that is done I’d rather be home enjoying the evening/day with my children. I don’t drive a flash car, I’ll never go on expensive holidays once a year let alone twice, three times a year, and I’m not insulting the people that have the cars and holidays either but, that’s all I hear my colleagues talk about “finally paid off the car” or “really need the overtime so we can go on to holiday to Australia” etc. Not saying that wouldn’t be an amazing holiday, though I’d rather go to the New Zealand to be honest but still, I’d rather be clocking off at a reasonable time and going home to watch George of the Jungle with the kids though if truth be known I’d also easily watch that film for my own enjoyment.

So am I the only one who thinks like this? Surely not


“Your child is not autistic, they’re so” insert dramatic pause “normal!” a phrase I hear on a regular occurrence, even from people in authority that should know better. And yes it riles me to the bone. For a start we are all normal, be it a mental or physical disability and secondly not every person who is autistic carry the same traits, yes they perceive the world differently and have something that is commonly referred to as a meltdown but here’s the crux, if the person who is autistic is in the mid to low range within the autistic spectrum then they are helped with the environment around them, there is a support system there from school into adulthood, they have help at every turn (once you have travelled the long and perilous road of being diagnosed) but my child is high functioning autistic, to everyone including teachers they are not autistic, they are however “a naughty child” or “an emotional child” or “a stubborn child” but never autistic and this is where the system fails them, and this is where it becomes dangerous!

My child is a bona-fide people pleaser because of their autism. They don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s upset.

Me “How’s your day been at school”

Child “Brilliant, it was really good”

Me “Are you sure about that?”

Child crys “They (school) told you what happened didn’t they”

I nod my head and start the very lengthy process of trying to make my child open up about their day to help them, this can be a daily occurrence.

Now the outside world see’s this as lying, what is actually happening is my child doesn’t want to upset me by telling me they had a bad day, but authorities win and label the child as a lier so when they do have the courage and try to tell the truth, even though it will upset someone they are still classed as lying….. Can you see the viscous circle which has started? This will of course turn into the start of the ripple effect.

An autistic child is bullied at school and the bully realises that, one the “victim” is not running off and telling someone and two that the person isn’t actually scared of them but will in fact do anything asked to keep them happy, in other words the bully has just learnt how to manipulate someone into doing anything they wish, from, you can’t be friends with that person too, be nasty to your parents and right up too, walk out in front of that moving car. Now, the child knows all that they are being asked to do is wrong and in some cases dangerous and life threatening, but because autistic people can have a very one track and extremely focused mind all the arguments within their head are overwritten because they feel such a strong need to make that person happy hence the ripple effect.

If a child is high functioning i.e they can hold a conversation with you, they can hold eye contact with you, then they have no support, the schools will only be concerned if academically they fall behind too far, being half a year to a full year behind your peers is not that much of a concern to them, any further than a year and let’s face it, it doesn’t look good on the ofsted report come the end of year 6 sats exams, but that doesn’t mean they will address the autistic side, they will just try and boost them academically.

Being high functioning autistic puts that person in a very dangerous situation every single day of their life, they are an extremely vulnerable person more vulnerable than low functioning and yet, they have no support from anyone, no support from teachers, no support from adult services, they will always be classed as an under achiever, someone who never quite managed their full potential and their full potential would shock everyone if they were just given the support they needed from the beginning at school rather then being brushed under the carpet because they are deemed lazy, moody, awkward and dare I say it stupid!

The eyes are dying

Had my usual eye/vision check up yesterday and walked away with news that I have been dreading for as long as I can remember. At first I could see only the good side, but waking this morning and the dread has set in. The news, I hear you ask.. Well….. My right eye is below the standard for driving and my left eye is borderline. My driving licence could be pulled at any time.

The good side as my thoughts were yesterday and still are, in the background at least, is that they may actually try and correct my vision now with laser surgery or maybe even lens replacement. This could have one of two effects (discounting it going wrong and being totally blind) reducing my short sightedness to a pair of glasses with a thin lens rather then something you would find in a telescope or not needing any visual aids at all, something I haven’t had since I was 18 months old. I was even having fun yesterday by stating I would be entitled to a free bus pass, discounted rail travel and a blue badge for the car when someone takes me anywhere.. Bonus.

The opthamoligist has made an urgent appointment with a specialist.

Reality today….. With one dead eye and the other being borderline then the most driving time I have (if not pulled immediately) is a year, my eyes deteriorate every eye test without fail, I like to be consistent. I work security at events which means driving all over the country, I won’t be able to do that anymore. The public transport links are terrible here, it takes over an hour to get to the nearest large town with a train station and that’s only 25 miles away. The job prospects locally are disgraceful, like my eyes this small seaside town is dying. Just the thought of being without a car is filling me with dread, yes there will be no insurance to pay, no freaking out over an M.O.T (British law requires this test every year for a car to be roadworthy) no car tax, no petrol, no maintenance of any kind, another bonus saving lots of money, but still…no car! Something I haven’t had to deal with since I passed my test when I was 18.

Then the thoughts turn to, will I be able to see the bus number far away enough to actually stick my hand out for it to stop and when on the bus how do you know when, in a new area, to get off? Google map might say go five stops but if the bus has no reason to stop then it won’t and it doesn’t stop at all bus stops anyway so, even if you could see them you can’t even count them. This is why I drive everywhere, I can feel the anxiety already and at this moment I can still legally get in a car and drive.

My head is a mess

This could be the beginning of the end. If the specialist behaves as all specialists have behaved towards my failing sight over the forty odd years of being born then nothing will be done and my days will fade to black.

Once was and soon forgotten

There was once this girl, she was smart, she had confidence, she thought she could succeed in whatever she put her mind to, and for many years she did. Then a terrible accident triggered some tiny bit of doubt buried deep inside her, at first she thought she may of finally grown up with the small chunk of doubt making her question her actions, “after all,” she thought. “I no longer bounce and my bones do break!” But the doubt took hold, it grew roots and clung to every fibre of the girls body. It pushed and prodded until the girl no longer recognised what she saw in the mirror. All she ever eventually saw was an ugly scared beast sometimes timid sometimes something beyond the terrors of any nightmare you could imagine. She tried in vain to defeat the demon of doubt, but it had grown, not only was it rooted in every fibre of her body it had also wormed its way through the very core, through the brain, controlling her every thought, her actions. Her dreams and hopes had gone, succumbed to this once tiny seed of doubt. She was worthless, lowest of the low and then lower then that. Her opinion never mattered anymore, she was just a silly girl with mood swings and drama.

Somehow there was a tiny piece of herself that held on to her, the beast of doubt would always be knocking on the door but it was bolted shut though how she wished the beast would take this away from her, take the pain of a need to care for others away. Or was this the beasts final trick in to the descent of darkness…to be mocked for caring, to be exhausted from caring for all around when nobody cared for her!

The seed of doubt is a powerful instrument, it will take the strong and make them weak. Then it will take the weak and obliterate their existence. The shell of the person may still be moving and talking but it is not alive, it is not free to enjoy their surroundings, to talk without constantly second guessing every word they mutter.

The girl that once was is no more and death, when it eventually comes, will be the breaking of the shackles as the beasts hold is finally released.